By Way of Explanation...

I'm sure that, upon reading the post beneath this -- not coincidentally, our first new review in some time -- that you, gentle reader, were struck by a few things. First, I'm sure you were taken aback by its wit, clarity, and commitment to excellence in every way. That, of course, goes without saying.

But if you're like me -- handsome, a helluva dancer, and a certified menace on the squash AND racquetball courts -- you probably also noticed something else -- an unfamiliar graphic at the bottom of the post. You know, the one with some circles on it, and maybe some words nearby...you know the one?

Well, fellow imbiber, that graphic is not just for looks. Sure, it looks good -- that's part of the "commitment to excellence" to which I was referring earlier -- but it also serves a very important purpose. You'll note the word "rated" on the left side of the graphic. That, friends, means that the graphic serves as a quick, visual reminder of our highly subjective, often Byzantine, and sometimes downright cruel rating of any given place.

It's sort of a sop to this fast-paced, infographic, USA Today-esque world we live in. If you want to see what the team here at HappyHourLA thought of a given place, and you're too busy or too emotionally dead on the inside to bask in some truly beautiful language and cutting insights, you can just look at the pictures and know, instantly, how kickass this place really is.

Here's the breakdown:


One Ring: This rating means do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to be dragged here. If you're the proprietor of this establishment, you should probably sell this dump and go man a tollbooth somewhere. In short, avoid at all costs.


Two Rings: OK, now we're getting somewhere. A place with this rating attached to it probably has at least one thing going for it. Cute chicks, good jukebox, nickel beers...something. Maybe worth poking your head in if you're feelin' frisky.


Three Rings: This is a place where you might find yourself even AFTER Happy Hour ends. I know, it sounds crazy, but this place might even have something that's worth...gulp...paying full price. Not a bad joint, in our estimation. Why don't you buy a round for the group to celebrate?


Four Rings: Why haven't you heard about this place yet? I'll tell you why...because you're busy spending your hard-earned money on a place that doesn't care if you live or die. The place with this rating, on the other hand, DOES care, and makes it easy, enjoyable, and highly enriching for you to come here. At a place like this, you never know what you'll see, but you can be damn certain that if we gave it this rating, it's going to be good.


Five Rings: Shangri-fucking-La. Drop what you're doing. Put the papers back in the "To Do" box, shove your stupid boss's stupid cornflower blue tie in his mouth, walk out the door, drive immediately here, and plan on calling a cab to get home. You're in it for the long haul. This place is the best of what's around.